i have a tendency to wish for purity in my dance practice. if i show up with a distracted mind, or a head full of something uncomfortable or scary, i find myself thinking ‘i’ll try this another day’; ‘today is not the day to dance, i need peace to be with myself’.

but it’s moving with exactly what is there, the painful thoughts, the tight, angry throat, the heartful of grief, that is the dance.

i’m here. i have not moved yet. i am afraid to. afraid of metabolising the discomfort and fear that is so, so close to the surface. i know that if i move, it will move, and then i will have no option but to dance it.

so instead i sit here, very still, in my practice of laptop-crouch, of brain wired to laptop bypassing the body. what an excellent hiding place. and i get to call myself ‘productive’ to boot.

aren’t i good.

i went into the church and lit a candle for my solo practice.

aren’t i good?

i knelt and meditated (for approximately four seconds) on humility.

aren’t i good?

no, you are not good. now is it time to move?